The Confusion of Men

The post before this was about a guy who I thought was so sweet and took me on what I would consider probably the perfect first date. We had fun, chemistry, and we clicked really well. I was a little put off by his age and the distance (that more then the age), but he convinced he wanted to come see ME. He did and we had an awesome time. He went home that night and we followed it up with texting and he sent some very sweet texts. What girl doesn’t love waking up to “good morning beautiful” from a guy she likes. That lasted a couple of weeks and then nothing from him. 

It was only one date so I didn’t get attached and got over it pretty quickly. Yes, I did like him and wish it went further, but when communication stopped I wasn’t surprised. I’m kind of used to this thing. It’s happened more then once and it’s awful that I am used to this behavior in men. I wish they would grow up and grow a pair and tell a girl when they aren’t interested. I can handle it. The fact that I am used to it kind of puts a target on any great guy that would come into my life because I am very guarded at this point. 

I figured this guy wasn’t interested and met someone else. Well, with technology now you can find just about anyone on the internet. I didn’t know his last name, but I did remember the name of the band he was in so I checked them out on Facebook and found his profile. It didn’t take a genius to figure out he was seeing someone else since he had some hoochie in Daisy Duke shorts sprawled out on the hood of his car. 

Fast forward to the new year and guess who contacts me out of the blue? He does. He wished me a happy new year and hoped I was doing well and told me he thought about me a lot. What the hell? I haven’t heard from you since August and you decide to contact me now with you think about me a lot? What am I supposed to do with that?

I responded and our responses got a little heated, well on my part they did. I wanted to know why he was contacting me. I deserved to know that much at least. My guess was that he got dumped (the hoochie picture is now gone) and decided to come crawling back to me and see if I would take the bait. Well, I didn’t. He gave me some story about starting his new job, finding a place to live, and his grandma getting sick and eventually dying. I’m not one for excuses and even if ALL that was true — it takes less then 5 minutes to pick up a phone to text, email, or call. Unless his hands disappeared with his communication skills there is no reason not to inform someone you won’t be in contact for awhile. I would have understood that. 

Not one mention of dating anyone else, but apologized and said he was ashamed for not talking to me sooner. He was shocked that I got over our first date so fast and was dating other men. Caring stops when communication stops. It’s that simple. My walls are high and you can’t not expect me to date other men when you aren’t in the picture anymore. 

He said he wasn’t going to contact me anymore and leave me alone, but earlier tonight there was a short message from him in my Inbox. 

I’m not really sure how I feel about this. I’m more confused then anything. I think back to the guy he was when we went out. I adored that guy, but I also think of the strong girl I am and I am no one’s second choice. 

This man confuses me on what he wants from me – NOW. I wish he would just come out and tell me. It’d help me a lot.

I’m a picky girl when it comes to men and I have standards, but I also don’t put up with stupid bullshit either. I want to be happy with the man I am supposed to be with. We’ll see how this plays out. 

 

Perfect

You were a surprise
Not what I was expecting
Swept me off my feet
When I wasn’t looking
Sweet, caring, and charming
And so much more
In just one single day
A lifetime of memories
But my favorite part of it all
That first kiss
Tender and romantic
You touched my face
Looked into my eyes
And kissed me
Just like they do in the movies
It was all so perfect
I didn’t want the night to end

Not So Hungry Anymore

I went and had a second opinion on the “probable” infection in my foot by going to my family doctor and in a nutshell, he thought it would be best that I do the six-week of IV antibiotics to make sure it doesn’t get worse, spread, and lead to something drastic like amputation. I started the antibiotics Wednesday and shortly after that my appetite disappeared. It’s a common side effect with powerful antibiotics, but wow. Diet Sierra Mist has become my new best friend while I try to force a little bit of food down my throat. I want to lose weight, but not this way. It’s not healthy.

Shockingly, the new AFO’s are working. I broke them in an hour at a time for about a week and now I am in them full-time. They were leaving marks on my legs, but changing to knee-high socks solved that problem. I went to Target yesterday and bought 10 more pairs in super cute prints from colored plaids to colored zebra prints. Since I’m forced to one pair of shoes for a while, at least my socks are cute! And a little retail therapy goes a long ways to making you forget about the nausea for awhile. My spasms have cut down to NOTHING in the AFO’s which is amazing! I also sit a lot straighter too. Always good to improve your posture when you can.

It’s going to be a long 6 weeks with these antibiotics and I just noticed tonight that I now have a tape blister from the tegaderm they put over my port. Could my luck be any worse this year? It really is a FML year, but I am grateful through all of this that my Lupus has stayed in remission.

A little Weight Watchers update: I was doing pretty good with my points in getting them all in, exercising every day, and even used some of my Weekly free points , but now with the antibiotics I’m nowhere near my point totals. I don’t know how this is going to affect me in the loss or gain department since I am having no luck finding a scale. On the plus side people are noticing I’m possibly thinner in my face, who knows? I can’t see it. I’ll take the compliment though. I am working hard at this and I do hope it pays off in the next year.

I’m HUNGRY!!

OMG! I’m hungry. The last two days I have been getting almost all my points in and I’m starving. I am working out daily anywhere from an hour and half to three hours a day. That’s contributing to the hunger pains, but it’s weird that I wasn’t hungry on days that I wasn’t even close to my point total. Hopefully, this means I am burning calories and weight is coming off.

I’m finding a new love for fruits and vegetables since those are free points in moderation. I’m also keeping track of my calorie intake because WW doesn’t do that. For the most part it’s pretty even.  I consumed 920 calories today (and I ate a ton of stuff) (burned 382) and I still have 5 points to eat. That’s roughly 200-300 calories.

Looking forward to trying some new recipes members have posted, some old favorites I rarely eat, a piece of bread with peanut butter and a banana on top, etc. Going to pick up deli-meat and some fat free cheese for a low-fat snack with protein in it. I need that, not just for working out, but to heal my sores too.

I really hopes this works. I’m eager to see some changes and when it’s all said and done, a possible makeover! That’s a goal for the future though. Baby steps for now.

First Meeting, No Weigh In

I attended my first meeting last night and didn’t/couldn’t get weighed. There was no wheelchair scale. Before I joined online I called the 800 number and was
assured since we have a center that it would most likely have a scale
for me to use. My fear that they wouldn’t have one became clear very
quick. It was a little discouraging as I wanted to know where I was at.

After discussing some options with my leader she is going to make some phone
calls and see if there is a chance they can get a wheelchair scale in
our center. I know it would be a beneficial asset to the facility to
help encourage others with disabilities or limited mobility to step up
on a scale to possibly look at joining WW. In the meantime I am going to
check with the rehab units at the hospitals and see if I can check my
progress there. Even if my center can get a wheelchair scale, it is
going to take some time get there and I do want to make sure I am on the
right track as soon as possible.

I don’t know what to do about my weekly check in since I really don’t
know where I am at. Up or down since I was weighed at the Mayo Clinic last Wednesday. I’ll just leave it be until I can put a new weight in there.

The meeting was great, learned tips and tricks from veteran members on what
they do and don’t do. Finally figured out the point system and what I
can do with my extra points. Still struggling with getting all my
points in, but my leader told me to eat more at night if that is
when I am awake. You hear so many times not to eat after 8 PM, etc. etc.
etc. so I was just following that and missing out on a lot of points.
Last night I only had two remaining to eat which is way better then the
13-15 I had left over my first two nights trying WW.

I was hoping to report a loss at my first meeting, but I can’t report a
gain either so that will be my silver lining and seeing the glass half
full. I’m looking forward to this weight loss journey and it is my hope
that I can encourage others with disabilities who are struggling with
weight that they can join too.

Second Place on my Second Day

Sunday, June 05, 2011

I didn’t place second today in anything, but Dale Jr. did. That’s two weeks in a row where he has gambled on fuel to try and get that all important win and the gamble didn’t pay off. I want that win so badly for him and for him to marry me. I know a win is probably more likely then a marriage proposal from a man I have never met, but I can wait/hope for both. :)At least this week the win wasn’t dangling in front of our face only for it to get stolen. I knew he wasn’t going to win today. It’s less disappointing that way.It is day two of my journey and I am not doing well on the point system. It is currently just after 7:30 PM and I still have 17 points I need to use up. I am planning on having a Smart Ones desert later on, but that’s not going to burn up 17 points. How do people get all their points in?

I’m not much of a snacker during the day and my first meal is around noon. Never have been a breakfast person, but I might have to start changing these habits to get all my points in and for this program to work properly.

I went shopping after the race and picked up some veggies and fruit to snack on, plus some Smart One meals and desserts for days and nights I don’t feel like cooking or need something quick. I hope they taste good because I am a really picky eater. I’ll be checking out the recipes on here too. Maybe even get others to try them with me.

Workouts are going great and adding more weight each week to the universal gym. I absolutely love the invention of extension weights so I don’t have to go up 10 lbs every time the exercise gets too easy. I have two and five pound weights and they work wonders, especially for all the different arm exercises I do. I am looking to get some magnetic ones for my free weights next. I’m also making it a rule that no one pushes my chair anymore unless needed for an emergency. I’m losing out on an arm workout if someone else pushes. Need to burn the calories off when I can.

Looking forward to my first meeting tomorrow. I have a lot of questions so I hope my leader has time to answer them.

Let’s Get It Started

I decided to post my blogs from my Weight Watchers over here too. Maybe one day I’ll start a weight loss blog. We’ll see how this progress goes first.

Satureday June 4th, 2011

Today is Day 1 on my Weight Watchers journey. I had my annual checkup at the Mayo Clinic this past week and what the scale said made me cringe. Actually, I wanted to throw up or pass out. Not sure which. I was not happy. I knew my weight was up some over the last 6 months due to displaced ribs and being forbidden to lift any weights or do much wheeling. Then in January I broke my femur on a ski trip (I wish I had a uber cool wipe out story, but I don’t) and was left bed ridden for a month and a half until the swelling went down and I was able to fit in my wheelchair again.

I have been thinking about trying Weight Watchers for a while, especially after seeing Jennifer Hudson’s success on the program. My problem has never been overeating. My problem lies in not eating in the morning (I’d rather be sleeping) and/or not eating enough. I despise salty food, fast food, etc. but I do have a sweet tooth and being half Thai I love white rice. I never go overboard with any portions, but between sitting and my eating habits I need to find a balance to get the weight off and keep it off.

Exercise is not my favorite thing in the world, but once I put the music on or ride bike during my favorite shows it is a lot more tolerable.

My weight has gone up and down over the years a lot partly due to different medications I have been on and am currently on. The main drug to treat Lupus is prednisone and you gain weight just looking at the bottle. It’s a powerful, but nasty drug with horrible side effects. Thankfully, I have been in remission for 7 years and I don’t have a need for it. The weight goes on fast, but takes ten times longer to take off. It’s a vicious cycle of up and down. I know it’s not your fault when a side effect causes the gain, but it still doesn’t help your self esteem or what you look like to yourself and to others.

I know being in a wheelchair is going to make taking the weight off more challenging, but I am up for the challenge. I’m a tough woman, and very dedicated to anything I do. I have read success stories of other women in wheelchairs who have lost a lot of weight and I am going to too. I would love to lose 50 pounds, but I wouldn’t mind a little more if it is in my cards.

I did well for my first day, but I didn’t eat all my points. I was four points short. Is that really bad? I will attend my first meeting Monday and learn the ropes. I’m nervous and excited all at the same time. Wish me luck.